My Big Fat Jewish Wedding

…and by “My” I mean Jewish weddings in general.
url
Since I have been preoccupied with weddings galore, I figured it would be a good topic of discussion to bring back the blog. During a 4-week span, I attended 3 weddings – 1 was Catholic, 1 was a Jewish mix and the last one was a traditional Jewish wedding. While all of the weddings were beautiful and a lot of fun, there was definitely a distinction between the Catholic and the Jewish wedding.

(Sidenote: The Wedding Singer just came on MTV, which is definitely a sign that this is the blog topic I should be writing this week.)

Signing of the ketubah

Signing of the ketubah

In a traditional Jewish wedding, there is a part of the ceremony called the signing of the *ketubah. The signing takes place before the actual wedding ceremony. Once the document is signed by the bride, groom and witnesses, the bride and groom are officially married. So technically speaking, unlike other religions, the ceremony with the exchanging of the rings and vows is not the official bond. Therefore, it is common that the bride and groom have already seen each other before walking down the aisle.

Chuppah

Chuppah

The actual ceremony takes place under a *chuppah. This is a canopy-like cloth or sheet that stretches over 4 poles. It is the symbol of the home the couple will soon build together. Towards the end of the ceremony, the groom breaks a glass with his foot. This is then followed by everyone screaming “Mazel Tov!” There are a number of reasons why people think the breaking of the glass tradition is done. It is actually a symbol that even during the happiest of times, we must remember that life is fragile.

Let the party begin!

The reception is filled with some really fun traditions. Before any food is served, there are a few blessings, such as the *Hamotzi, which is typically done with a loaf of *challah bread. Another fun and common tradition is for the bride and groom to sit in separate chairs, which are then lifted up by strong wedding guests. The bride and groom each grab hold of a cloth, such as a napkin to symbolize their new bond. This is usually done during the *Horah, the traditional Jewish folk dance. To start the dance, everybody forms a circle while holding hands, and steps forward toward the right with the left foot, then follows with the right foot. The left foot is then brought back, followed by the right foot. This is done in a fast and cheerful motion to the right. It typically gets a bit crazy, which makes it even more fun.

During the horah

During the horah

Now that you have some knowledge of Jewish weddings, go put on your dancing shoes, buff up to hold the chairs and get your Horah on!
jewish-wedding

*Ketubah: a document that lays out the rights of the wife and the obligations of the husband.
*Chuppah: literally means a canopy or a covering.
*Hamotzi: the blessing before eating bread.
*Challah: traditional Jewish egg-based bread that is absolutely delicious – need I say more?
*Horah: performed to the Jewish song, Hava Nagila.

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June 17, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The JDate Stalker – An Entertaining True Story…

A few months after I moved to Atlanta I had my heart broken and needed a boost in self-esteem. The cure: creating a profile on *JDate. While I got what I wanted out of my trial month (without paying), I also got more than I had hoped for. Let me start from the beginning because this story is just too entertaining not to give you all of the details.
Where what happens?

Where what happens?

One of my friends had been living in Atlanta for a year before I moved here and she decided to use JDate as a way to meet some new guys. She started talking to a guy (*we will call him Brian and we will call her Lisa) who, like her, was from South Florida and had moved to Atlanta after college. He also worked for one of the major sports teams in Atlanta and she was in school for a sports related degree. Another plus. This is as far as the common/good traits go… They had arranged to go to an Atlanta Braves game together and meet up with some of his friends. Sounds like fun, right? Well in theory it was. Brian picked Lisa up at her place, which was further south than he lived and also on the way to Turner Field. However, when he left her place, he started driving north (away from the stadium). Even though she was newer to the city, she knew this was not right and asked him where he was taking her. He told her that he needed to run home and grab a few things before they headed to the game. Fine. She went upstairs with him where he then proceeded to sit on the couch with her and try to hold her hand. RED FLAG! She immediately demanded to go to the game and after much hesitation he obliged.

What a freak!

What a freak!

They were finally in the car on their way and she thought that it couldn’t get any worse. Boy was she wrong. They got to the stadium and he proceeded to take her to their seats, where it was just the two of them. She asked him where his friends were that they were supposedly meeting, but he acted like he didn’t know what she was talking about. Lisa then excused herself, called a friend to pick her up and left Brian at the stadium dateless. Whoever said JDates were harmless is clearly wrong!

What does this have to do with me might you ask? Well, Brian, the JDate stalker was hungry for his next pray and decided I was a good target. Boy was he wrong!

Sidenote: Brian is completely harmless – he just lacks in dating and somewhat of the social skills. No females were harmed during his JDating tactics.

Now back to me… Brian originally messaged me with the normal chit chat:
“I see you are from South Florida – so am I.”
“Do you like sports? Well I can get you
tickets to the SEC Championship game (which my Florida Gators were in).”
“You live in (enter my first Atlanta apartment complex here) – I live there too!”

url1Being that I am a Jewish girl, I had to call my good friend Lisa to tell her about all the guys I was talking to on JDate. After discussing with Lisa about a few uglies who actually thought they had a shot with yours truly, I decided to mention Brian. She told me that I had to call her immediately and to stop talking to him right away. This is when she told me about the story above and that apparently he had done something very similar to another friend that he had met on Match.com. Yes, that’s right, he was a multiple dating website user. After Lisa filled me in on how sketchy this guy was, I started to notice it more and more. I decided that I would NEVER meet up with him and just start to ignore him in the hopes that he would go away, but yet keep in little touch in the hope that he might be able to get me tickets to the SEC Championship game (evil of me but you gotta do what you gotta do for the Gators). I would put up my away message on AIM saying I was at the gym, and 5 minutes later he would show up at the gym (remember, we lived in the same complex). I would put up another away message saying, “getting ready to go out” and would come back to a number of instant messages from him asking where I was going. This had to end!

Now for those of you who know me well know that I 1. don’t take crap from anyone, 2. express exactly what I am thinking out loud and 3. make my presence known. This guy was going to leave me alone for good. So what did I do? I blocked him on AIM and ignored his JDate messages like a coward…

Now it has been 2 1/2 years since my JDate stalker struck. I was talking with a friend who had moved to Atlanta a few months ago and she decided to try JDate out as a way to meet some new people in this new city. She would tell me of the guys she would go on dates with and talk to through the dating site, but I didn’t recognize any of them. Until she mentioned a guy that sounded a lot like Brian. Alas! The JDate stalked was still single and still at it years later. So I filled her in on mine and Lisa’s stories about him and she immediately faked illness to avoid the date they had set up for that upcoming weekend – SAVED!

Sorry, but I have the Bird Flu and won't be able to date you. But it's for your own good!

Sorry, but I have the Bird Flu and won't be able to date you. But it's for your own good!

Now you all know one of the many reasons that I am completely against JDate. I know it works for a handful of people. I even have a friend who met her husband on the site. But here in Atlanta, it kind of sucks! At least it did for myself and Lisa and a number of my other friends, including my former roommate. But I do have to say it makes for some good stories and girly bonding moments over stalkers and weirdos.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the parties involved
*JDate
: Jewish dating site.

April 21, 2009. Uncategorized. 9 comments.

Don’t Pass Over these Someecards…

If you know me, than you know that I LOVE someecards (www.someecards.com). My co-worker reminded me to look at the Passover and Easter-related ones. Well, they are way too good not to share. Enjoy!

easter-jesus-jew1

So true!

So true!

passover-food-unlevenedpassover-food

For my family, the faster we get to 'the festive meal' the better!

For my family, the faster we get to 'the festive meal' the better!

type-a-jew

I shall explain to those of you who are unfamiliar with Passover and the traditions of the *Passover sedar. On the first and second nights of Passover, we get together for dinner and read from the *Haggadah before dinner to retell the story of Passover with the intention to get you drunk off of *Manischewitz. During the sedar, there is a point where an adult hides *matza and all of the little kids get to search for it for a small prize. Well since there wer no children at the sedar I attended this year, I decided that since I was the youngest, we would spice things up and I would hide the *afikoman

and everyone else would look for it. Let’s just say that I wasn’t such a nice hider. Twenty minutes and 5 hints later, Ryan finally found it. His prize – a big “hooray!”

*Passover Sedar: a Jewish ritual feast held on the first and the second nights of the Jewish holiday of Passover
*Haggadah: the story of the Israelite exodus from Egypt
bottle_home*Manischewitz: very popular kosher wine tha tastes like grape juice
*Matza:
a cracker-like flatbread made of white plain flour and water. It is the substitute for bread during the Jewish holiday of Passover, since levened products are forbidden during this holiday.
*Afikoman: meaning “that which comes after” or “dessert”) is a half-piece of matza which is broken in the early stages of the sedar and set aside to be eaten as a dessert after the meal. The head of the household hides the afikoman for the children to find, and rewards them with money or candy.

April 11, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Why Jews are professionally successful…

A friend of mine told me a great joke last week:

What is a Bar Mitzvah?
It’s the point in a Jewish males life where he realizes he has a better chance of being the agent than the professional sports star.

Ari Gold - what a Jew!

Ari Gold - what a Jew!

It’s funny because it’s true. This joke sparked me to discuss the subject of Jewish professions. Let’s start with the facts of my own life:  My family may not be the typical Jewish family in regards to professions – we have no lawyers, the only doctor in my extended family is a retired chiropractor and my dad is the only accountant by college degree but worked in sales for most of his professional life. However, our friends make up for our lack of presence in the url-1medical and law fields. My dentist and my eye doctor are also my good family friends. My dad is my personal accountant and does my taxes every year. My best friend is in med school in Israel and my other good friend is a Physician Assistant and advises me what to do when my stomach hurts (which is quite often, since Jews have awful stomachs). Ryan and I both have a number of friends who are lawyers or in law school, so of course I can call them when let’s say a tree falls on my car at Ryan’s condo and I want to know what I can legally do about it so I don’t have to pay to fix the damage (thanks Scott).

While a number of my Jewish girl friends went into the communications fields (Advertising, Journalism or PR) and are struggling with money in our twenties, give us all about 10 years and I can guarantee that most of us will be in high level management positions. Jews by nature are fighters. We typically take our work seriously and strive to climb the corporate ladder as fast as possible. We are also a close-knit group of people and we know how to network. When I was looking for an advertising internship, my mom decided to tell some people that she knew what I was looking for. Within a few days, she gave me contact of a guy who knew someone who knew someone who was the president of an advertising agency in Atlanta. While I was too late to apply for that internship in Atlanta, I did get my intern position at Zimmerman Partners Advertising in Ft. Lauderdale through another Jewish friend.

I leave you with some words of wisdom. As my parents always say, “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know that matters.” Now think about my previous lesson on Jewish Geography…

"You won't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews." - Spamalot

"You won't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews." - Spamalot

April 8, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Bar and Bat Mitzvahs: The Best Way to Party

image2After much debate over what I should discuss in this week’s blog entry, I decided to talk about Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Now I can only talk about Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebrations in South Florida, because they are the only ones I have been to. However, based on conversations with my non-Florida Jew friends, the celebration can be quite different elsewhere in the country.

barmitzvahstockphotoLet me briefly explain what a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is. Think of the Quinceañera for Latin American girls and the debutante for the upper-class teen. Like these two celebrations, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the Jewish coming-of-age celebration. Bar Mitzvah is the term for males and Bat Mitzvah is the term for girls. Boys become a Bar Mitzvah at the age of 13, while girls can become a Bat Mitzvah at the age of 12, but most wait until they are 13.

While there is a common misconception that the party or reception is the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, the actual ceremony is what really matters. Would you have a wedding reception without tying the knot first? No. It just doesn’t make sense. Picture yourself at age 13, when you are at the most awkward stage in your life. You are just starting to go through puberty. Boys’ voices are cracking. The girls are taller than the boys and both sexes are getting acne. Now picture yourself chanting a song in another language up on a stage (or in Jewish terms, the bima*) with over 200 people staring at you. Talk about pressure! The only motivation to get through this awkward situation is the party that is only a few hours away that is 100% about you.

Open Bar or Bust!

Open Bar or Bust!

As sentimental as the ceremony is, the party is far and beyond the best part. Just like most weddings (99% of Jewish weddings), there is typically an open bar. Yup, that’s right – an open bar for a 13 year old’s coming-of-age party. The main reason the adults can stay sane while all of the crazy kids run around like wild monkeys.

Now that's an entrance.

Now that's an entrance.

After a normal cocktail hour the doors to the main event open up. Just like a wedding, the family and the Bar Mitzvah boy or the Bat Mitzvah girl are introduced to a super cheesy song like “This is Your Night.” This is then followed by the candle lighting ceremony. Thirteen tall candles are positioned on a stand that usually has something to do with the theme of the party. For example, my candles were in tea cups (this will make sense in the next paragraph where my theme is revealed). Each candle signifies a family member/group and/or close friends. It is an honor to get called up to light a candle. Each candle is presented with a cheesy poem and a song that represents the person/people lighting the candle. At the end of the ceremony, the candles are blown out like a birthday cake.

beth_kroman_bat_mitzvah_party0007-541x436Another cool thing about having a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is that at 13 years of age, you are in total control. Well almost. What I mean by this is that every party has a theme. Most boys choose a sports-related theme, while other common themes are movies, cars, music, etc. Girl’s themes range from candy to the telephone, to a 60’s theme and even my own theme, which was Ilene in Wonderland. I was originally going for a land where you walked in and everything was big, which then turned into an Alice in Wonderland inspired theme. My mom and I went all out – the place cards were little bottles of water with food coloring that said “Drink Me,” and the center pieces consisted of characters from Alice in Wonderland, which I drew myself, with brightly colored balloons and large foam floral arrangements. I honestly don’t know how the decorations at my wedding will top the way the room looked for my Bat Mitzvah party.

url4About 85% of the parties I went to when I was 13 had a really awesome DJ, while only a handful had a band. The DJ not only brought really hot 20-something year old dancers, but they also played games and gave out prizes, which is super awesome to any 13 year old kid. Only at a Bar Mitzvah will you get to play a giant game of Twister or the famous Coke and Pepsi game. Looking back on things, Coke and Pepsi is one of the most ridiculous games ever invented. The rules are simple – grab a partner and stand on opposite sides of the dance floor. The DJ will tell you which side is “Coke” and which side is “Pepsi.” When Coke is called out, the Coke side runs as fast as they can and sit on top of Pepsi’s lap and visa versa. There are other rules like “Sprite,” which means to freeze. The last person to get to the other side or the first to break the rules is out. Usually this game is fixed so the Bar or Bat Mitzvah kid wins.

I could go on and on about how awesome of a party you get as a Jew at 13 years of age, but I think this is definitely long enough. If I were a 13 year old non-Jew, I would totally convince my parents to let me convert so I could have a wedding-sized party thrown just for me without the commitment to join in holy matrimony. AMEN!

*Bima: the term for the stage in a synagogue

March 31, 2009. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

You will always be a bit Jew-ish…

Jew-ish?

Jew-ish?

In the Jewish faith, if your mother is Jewish, than you are too. I have a few friends who are Jewish by blood but in their mind they are not.  These are my friends that I like to call ‘Jew-ish’. While these friends may not go to temple or know a thing about the religion, they will never truly escape the mannerisms of their Jewish faith.

My favorite are apricot!

My favorite are apricot!

I have a girl friend who I like to call ‘the anti-Jew.’ My boyfriend Ryan and I even went so far as to unofficially kick her out of the tribe. She’s such a piss-poor Jew that she doesn’t even know what a *hamantaschen is. While she may tell people that she wishes she weren’t a Jew, she still fits the mold of one. Her parents and grandparents constantly pressure her to find a nice Jewish boy, which will never happen. We also like to joke about our stomach issues, which is something most Jews deal with. Lastly, her entire family consists of doctors and lawyers – the typical Jewish family.

colorcofa3I have another ‘Jew-ish’ friend who refuses to go to temple, but yet when he is sick he has to eat a bowl of matzo ball soup. While he can’t get past 2 dates with a Jewish girl, he went to Israel through the Birthright program. This friend did join a Jewish fraternity in college, however he always chose to fight for equal treatment of his Christian brethren and tried to ‘bring down the Jewish man’ as much as possible.

url3My other good friend doesn’t care so much about marrying a Jew, but he wants to *break the glass at his wedding for the sole purpose of showing up his brother, who missed at his wedding. This friend also spends the Jewish holidays eating classic Jew food with his family, yet I don’t think he has stepped in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah. How does this Jew-ish friend spend his Christmas night? He sticks with the Jewish tradition of Chinese food and a movie. What is one of his favorite drinks? Well that would be Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda – a staple in every Jewish deli. You do the math…

X-mas cookie?

X-mas cookie?

On the other end of the spectrum, I have a good friend who wishes he were a Jew. Back in college, his mom invited some of his Jewsish girl friends over to make Christmas cookies at their house. While myself and the two other girls were making Christmas tress and wreaths, my goyium friend was making menorahs. He also takes full advantage of coming to dinner for Passover, Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur so he can enjoy the delicious briscuit, matzo ball soup and *kugel.

I also have another goyium friend who wrote an entire blog post on why he wants to join the Jewish faith. (*Read Chad’s 2nd blog entry, which you can find linked up to my blog on the right hand side of my page.)

To all of you Jew-ish people out there, you may try to escape the actual religion, but you will forever be a Jew at heart, whether you want to or not. So every time you slip up and say “oy vey” or call a handy man to change your lightbulb, remember your true heritage.

Say it loud, say it proud!

Say it loud, say it proud!

*Hamantaschen: Triangle shaped cookie with a yummy center spread that is eaten during the holiday of Purim. The center can be a fruit filling, like cherry or apricot, chocolate or poppy seed.

*Purim: The Jewish Halloween. The sole purpose of the holiday is to get dressed up in costumes and get drunk.

*Breaking the glass: It is a tradition for the groom to step on a piece of glass at the end of the wedding ceremony. This serves as an expression of sadness at the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, and identifies the couple with the spiritual and national destiny of the Jewish people.

*Kugel: Any one of a wide variety of traditional baked Jewish side dishes (potato) or desserts (noodle) consisting of ground or processed vegetables, fruit or other starches combined with a thickening agent (such as oil, egg or flour). It is sometimes translated as “pudding” or “casserole”.

March 24, 2009. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Topics You Should Know When Talking to a Jew

I love my goyium friends! I especially love when I confuse the hell out of them by bringing up certain topics that they don’t have a clue as to what I am talking about. Well, I am here to enlighten you on these topics that everyone should know about, Jewish or not, when having a conversation with a Jew. This is especially helpful for first date chit-chat.

Sleep Away CampSleep Away Camp
During the time between the ages of 6 and 18, Jewish parents like to send their children away for 1 – 2 months to camp. While there are Jewish and non Jewish camps, most of the camps we attend have a majority of Jewish campers. For example, I attended Camp Pinewood in Hendersonville, NC for 5 summers. While this is not a “Jewish camp,” I would say about 98% of the campers were Jews. A number of my friends attended Jewish camps, like Ramah and Coleman, where they observed Shabbat* and said the prayers before and after they ate each meal. A common topic of conversation amongst Jews deals with camp – which camp we went to, why ours is the best, who we are still friends with from camp, etc. We also like to tell stories about camp, even though most of us haven’t gone since grade school.

USY on Wheels Bus C 1999

USY on Wheels Bus C 1999

Teen Tour
This is yet another way for Jewish parents to ‘get rid’ of their children for a summer. A teen tour involves a bus full of teenagers, usually between ages 14 and 17, traveling on a bus for 4-8 weeks. There are a number of teen tours out west that cover the American and Canadian Rockies. I went on a teen tour through my youth group (USY*) that consisted of 15 and 16 year old coeds on a bus across the entire continental United States, parts of Canada and even a day trip to Mexico. We started and ended in NYC – we made a loop around the outside boarders of the country, with stops in Ottawa, Toronto and Tijuana. Some of my other friends went through companies that started in California and made their way up to western Canada. I even had a friend who took a tour from Alaska to Hawaii by cruise ship. Other teen tours go out of the country, usually to Europe and Israel. Let’s just say if you are on a date with a Jewish person and you don’t know what a “teen tour” is, it’s a deal breaker.

Hanegev: the Southeast region of USY

Hanegev: the Southeast region of USY

Youth Group
Growing up, most Jewish parents encouraged their children to join a youth group. This is similar to the Christian youth groups, only we are Jews. Now I can only speak for USY because that is the youth group I was a part of, but my main concept of being involved in it was to go on weekend conventions* and hookup. I can’t tell you anything we were supposed to learn or the real meaning behind these trips, but rather I can tell you who made-out with whom at each convention and what drama it caused. I do have to say that I met a number of my life-long friends through USY. The common youth groups are USY, BBYO and Nifty – all for high school-aged kids. Both BBYO and Nifty are part of the reform synagogues, while USY is conservative. I believe there is an orthodox youth group, however, I do not know what it is called.

Sidenote: It is believed that our parents sent us to camp, on teen tours and to youth group so we could meet a nice Jewish boy/girl, date them and eventually get married. Most of the time, this worked.

images4Birthright
This is a free 10-day trip for college-aged Jews to go to Israel. If you are a Jew between ages 18 and 26, Jewish and Israeli foundations will sponsor you to go to Israel. While I personally did not have the opportunity to go on this trip as I was unqualified to apply because I spent a summer in Israel for 5 weeks with USY when I was 17, I did have a number of friends who took advantage of the program. You can only apply to go if you have not been to Israel on an “organized trip.” Despite the fighting between the Arabs and Israelis, parents see this as yet another excuse to send their kids away so they can not only learn about the history of the Jewish religion, but also so they can hookup with other Jews and hopefully find their future spouse.

url-2Jewish Geography
This is a Jewish person’s absolute FAVORITE game to play! Basically, we start off a conversation with a new person by asking where they are from, what high school, synagogue and camp they went to and eventually start naming people who have similar connections. If you both know the same person, you win! Believe it or not, it actually takes more skill to not have a single friend in common than to win. Bonus points if you win Jewish Geography and you aren’t a tribal member.

I hope I have helped enlighten you into common Jewish topics that we talk about with each other and especially with new people we meet. Hopefully, this will help you non Jews out on a first date. If anything, it will impress your date and leave a nice impression on them if you bring up these topics of discussion.

*Shabbat: The day of rest. Occurs every from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown.

*USY: Stands for United Synagogue Youth. This is the youth group through the Conversative* temples.

*Conservative: There are 3 main levels of Judaism – Reform, Conservative and Orthodox. Reform being the least religious, Orthodox being the most religious and Conservative being somewhere int he middle.

*Conventions: the fancy way for saying “let’s get all of the synagogue youth group chapters together for a weekend at a hotel and try and teach them something.”

March 16, 2009. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

The Telephone: A Jewish Girl’s Best Friend

girl Ever since I was a little girl, I have been attached to my phone. I had my own phone line, number and phone (with a cord) in my room since I was *Bat Mitzvahed – it was purple and I loved that darn thing! When my phone rang, I would literally sprint from the other side of my house just to get it before the person hung up (I didn’t have a machine). My parents and sister would always yell, “Run Ilene, run!” and then laugh at how I always answered my phone out of breath. I thought this was something only I did, but boy was I wrong.

You see, Jewish girls and their phones are BFFs. We can not live without our main source of gossip. Not to pick on my mom again, but I have many vivid memories of her with the cordless phone glued to her ear pacing from the kitchen to the living room to that room that no one was allowed in with shoes on and then back to the kitchen each and every day. Thinking back on this, I now realize I did the same exact thing in that same exact pattern. Clearly, it wasn’t just something in my family, but rather the phone habits of the majority of the Jewish female population.

Some may think that this is a bit of a stretch, but us Jewish females can attest that there is indeed phone etiquette for us *tribal members. Here is some insight on our phone etiquette, or rather, lack there of:

Let’s start from the beginning – answering the phone. We tend to answer the phone while we are still engaged in a current conversation. This causes the caller to want to know what and who could possibly be more important than their call, which of course leads to sharing gossip. If we answer the phone and the person is calling for someone else, we ALWAYS ask them to hold on and then scream for that person to pick up the phone. When screaming, we never 1. put the person on hold/mute, or 2. cover the phone. This is a full on scream into the phone so the person goes partially deaf for at least 30 seconds.

While carrying on a phone conversation, we like to use our hands. Obviously, we know the person on the other line can not see these motions. However, it does help us exaggerate our story to give it the full dramatic effect it deserves. After all, us Jewish girls work hard to get the latest and greatest gossip. We also tend pace constantly or talk loud enough so others become curious to our conversation. Jewish females love the sound of our own voice and love when others recognize that our stories are clearly the most exciting. Don’t be offended if you hear us munching or crunching while we talk, as this is a normality of both males and females – us Jews love to multitask.

We always, always, always answer our call waiting. No matter if we want to talk to the person on the other line or not, we must prove to those callers that we are an extremely popular source of knowledge. Going along those lines, if someone starts talking to us in the same room while we are on the phone, we must talk to them without telling the person on the phone to hold on. This will most likely confuse the caller, but again, we are way too popular and important and our time is precious and can not be wasted by their call.

When it is time to hang up, we always say goodbye a minimum of two times. If you are talking to family, than it is a minimum of three times. We always have to get at least one more word or story in before we are truly ready to hang up. Therefore, the first ‘goodbye’ is just a warning that there is at least one more juicy story or detail to discuss before we will actually be ready to hang up.

I hope I have helped enlighten you into the world of Jewish females and our love for our phones. This should be especially helpful for you *goys and Jewish boys who are in the process of courting a female tribal member.

I think I get it now...

I think I get it now...

*Bat Mitzvah: Of age (13). A Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the Jewish ceremony for becoming an adult. ‘Bat’ is for girls and ‘Bar’ is for boys. This ceremony happens at the age of 13, sometimes 12 for girls. Usually a large party is thrown to celebrate, but that’s an entirely different blog entry.
*Tribal members: Used to describe someone who is Jewish. Slang for Jews. Taken from members of the Maccabi tribe. Also commonly used as, “member of the tribe” and “The tribe.”
*Goy: The Hebrew and Yiddish term for someone who is not Jewish. Short for the word goyim.

March 10, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

My Mom: The Typical Jewish Mother

After work today, my mom called me, as she always does on her drive home. We proceeded with our normal conversation – “How was work? How’s Ryan (my boyfriend)? Are you getting married yet?” However, today my mother proceeded to talk about my blog. She asked me why I decided to start a blog and how was she a ‘typical Jewish mother?’ I replied to her second question with, “I think I will write a blog entry to answer your second question.” So here I am. Mom, this one is for you!

While there are no textbook qualities of a typical Jewish mother, I believe that if there were, my mom would definitely be on par.

Reason #1: There’s always enough, if not too much food at all gatherings. Every year my mom and dad host Thanksgiving at their house, and every year they end up eating leftovers through March. Also, if we go to someone else’s house and they do not have enough food for an army, my mom makes a comment along the line of, “well I guess next time we go to Jane Doe’s house, we will have to make sure we just eat something beforehand.”

Reason #2: My mom cannot go more than 24 hours without talking to me. This is definitely something that I love, but if I don’t answer my phone or call her back within a certain time frame, she gets worried that something bad has happened to me. Now what that something may be, who knows? But she never seems to think that maybe I am just in a movie or somewhere that is too loud to hear my phone ring. I have recently learned to quickly text her back after I see her missed call to let her know that I can’t talk at the moment so she isn’t worried.

Reason #3: I am 25 and still cannot go out of town without calling her. This involves me calling her when I leave for and when I arrive at my destination. Keep in mind that there are at least 5 calls while I am traveling by car. If I am flying somewhere, FORGET IT! I get at least 3 calls throughout the day asking me when I am leaving to go to MARTA (that’s the subway system in Atlanta for those who do not know) and if my plane is on time. Then she will call me a minimum of 4 times while I am in the airport, all before I have even gone through security. I then have to call her to tell her that my plane is on time and I am sitting at the gate and again once I have boarded the plane. As soon as I touch down, she must be the first person I call as well. Now mom, I love you for this but it definitely makes my travels a whole lot more stressful than they should be.

Reason #4: My mom knows everyone! I cannot go anywhere without my mom running into at least one person she knows. And when she runs into someone that she thinks I know, she will call me and say, “Do you know whom I ran into today?” I usually proceed with, “Mom, I have no idea who that is.” And she will actually reply with, “Yes you do! ‘So and so’ was your 5th grade teacher’s daughter’s old boyfriend. He came into your classroom that one time back in the 90’s to help me with my Class Mom duties.” Or something obscure like that. I usually change the subject.

Reason #5: My mom knows everything that is going on in everyone’s life. While I have to admit that I adapted this trait early on from her, she is WAY better at it than I am. My mom usually is the first to know which one of my friends from grade school is pregnant, getting married, getting divorced or got a boob job well before most people know, including me. I actually get a thrill when I call my mom to tell her news of something big, like a friend getting married, and she doesn’t already know about it. It’s such a sweet victory to me!

I could go on and on about this subject, but I won’t. I absolutely love my mom and her Jewish ways. I know that I will be just like her when I have kids and I will probably look back at this blog entry and laugh.

My mom and dad at my mom's 50th birthday dinner.

My mom and dad at my mom's 50th birthday dinner.

March 3, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Is the economy affecting how we date?

With the economy down right now, I started to wonder how this is affecting the dating world. I know that my boyfriend and I have tried to cook more often and go out to dinner less.  We’ve also stopped seeing movies in the theater for $10 a pop unless it is something we absolutely can’t wait 6 months to watch on video.

So I am reaching out to my serial daters and asking what you are doing to save some cash but still enjoy your time out on dates.

Here are my recommendations for some economical date ideas:

  • Cook a romantic meal and rent a movie or check out the free ones On Demand (for those who have Comcast)
  • Go to a park, take a walk and just talk
  • Go to a park and have a picnic
  • Find a weekend event around town and go together (i.e. a festival)

Just because the economy sucks doesn’t mean your love life has to.

March 3, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

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