The Telephone: A Jewish Girl’s Best Friend

girl Ever since I was a little girl, I have been attached to my phone. I had my own phone line, number and phone (with a cord) in my room since I was *Bat Mitzvahed – it was purple and I loved that darn thing! When my phone rang, I would literally sprint from the other side of my house just to get it before the person hung up (I didn’t have a machine). My parents and sister would always yell, “Run Ilene, run!” and then laugh at how I always answered my phone out of breath. I thought this was something only I did, but boy was I wrong.

You see, Jewish girls and their phones are BFFs. We can not live without our main source of gossip. Not to pick on my mom again, but I have many vivid memories of her with the cordless phone glued to her ear pacing from the kitchen to the living room to that room that no one was allowed in with shoes on and then back to the kitchen each and every day. Thinking back on this, I now realize I did the same exact thing in that same exact pattern. Clearly, it wasn’t just something in my family, but rather the phone habits of the majority of the Jewish female population.

Some may think that this is a bit of a stretch, but us Jewish females can attest that there is indeed phone etiquette for us *tribal members. Here is some insight on our phone etiquette, or rather, lack there of:

Let’s start from the beginning – answering the phone. We tend to answer the phone while we are still engaged in a current conversation. This causes the caller to want to know what and who could possibly be more important than their call, which of course leads to sharing gossip. If we answer the phone and the person is calling for someone else, we ALWAYS ask them to hold on and then scream for that person to pick up the phone. When screaming, we never 1. put the person on hold/mute, or 2. cover the phone. This is a full on scream into the phone so the person goes partially deaf for at least 30 seconds.

While carrying on a phone conversation, we like to use our hands. Obviously, we know the person on the other line can not see these motions. However, it does help us exaggerate our story to give it the full dramatic effect it deserves. After all, us Jewish girls work hard to get the latest and greatest gossip. We also tend pace constantly or talk loud enough so others become curious to our conversation. Jewish females love the sound of our own voice and love when others recognize that our stories are clearly the most exciting. Don’t be offended if you hear us munching or crunching while we talk, as this is a normality of both males and females – us Jews love to multitask.

We always, always, always answer our call waiting. No matter if we want to talk to the person on the other line or not, we must prove to those callers that we are an extremely popular source of knowledge. Going along those lines, if someone starts talking to us in the same room while we are on the phone, we must talk to them without telling the person on the phone to hold on. This will most likely confuse the caller, but again, we are way too popular and important and our time is precious and can not be wasted by their call.

When it is time to hang up, we always say goodbye a minimum of two times. If you are talking to family, than it is a minimum of three times. We always have to get at least one more word or story in before we are truly ready to hang up. Therefore, the first ‘goodbye’ is just a warning that there is at least one more juicy story or detail to discuss before we will actually be ready to hang up.

I hope I have helped enlighten you into the world of Jewish females and our love for our phones. This should be especially helpful for you *goys and Jewish boys who are in the process of courting a female tribal member.

I think I get it now...

I think I get it now...

*Bat Mitzvah: Of age (13). A Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the Jewish ceremony for becoming an adult. ‘Bat’ is for girls and ‘Bar’ is for boys. This ceremony happens at the age of 13, sometimes 12 for girls. Usually a large party is thrown to celebrate, but that’s an entirely different blog entry.
*Tribal members: Used to describe someone who is Jewish. Slang for Jews. Taken from members of the Maccabi tribe. Also commonly used as, “member of the tribe” and “The tribe.”
*Goy: The Hebrew and Yiddish term for someone who is not Jewish. Short for the word goyim.

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March 10, 2009. Uncategorized.

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